What is our couple’s emotional pattern?

Every couple occasionally has conflicts that they need to resolve. In some couples, these conflicts are on the surface and visible to everyone. In other couples, conflicts are only visible as a bad mood, as dissatisfaction, or as lack of well-being. No matter how it is in your relationship, you may want to be aware of which patterns you typically end up in, both on good and bad days. This exercise helps you as a couple identify some possible patterns that may be helpful to be conscious about, talk about, and change if one or both struggles with hurt feelings in your relationship.

NOTE: We recommend that you do the exercise together as a couple for the best possible result. This is because you will both have to work to put words to each other's needs, understand each other better and identify the couple pattern. Of course, you can do it alone, but it will be incomplete and at some point, both partners must be involved and participate to work on it.

It is a good idea to make notes of what you find out along the way. To make things easier for you, we've created a form that you can print and fill out on the go, or download and fill out on your computer. Of course, if you wish, you can also just write down on your own what you come up with.

Click here to download the .pdf version of the form that is suitable for printing.

Click here to download the .docx version of the form that you can fill out on your computer.

Below are two lists of statements. The list on the right is about typical identity needs, while the list on the left is typically about attachment needs. All people have needs related to both attachment and identity, but most can also relate a bit more to one of the domains over the other. Go through the list and see which of the columns you feel is most important to you - attachment or identity. So - which of the columns contains the needs that are most important to each of you?

Based on the previous page you can now identify what combination of needs you have as couple. The various optione are in the table below. Write it down on a separate sheet before proceeding. For example: Tom - attachment. Jackie - identity.

This is only part of the exercise. To find out more about how you work together as a couple, you also need to identify more about how these needs for attachment and identity can be problematic for you. On the next pages you can find out more about that.

Below you will find information about different needs and triggers typical of those who identify with attachment needs, and those who identify with identity needs. There you can identify what each of you typically needs a lot in your relationship (My needs) and what situations typically make this need difficult (My triggers). Press the buttons to bring up typical needs and triggers and select the ones you recognize as individuals. Choose the ones you feel speak to you.

These listings do not contain all needs and triggers, but some very typical descriptions. You can also rephrase it to suit you better. Write down on the sheet what each of your typical needs and triggers are. After finding your needs and triggers, you should be able to fill out points 1-3 in the form "Our relationship pattern".

When we have basic needs that are not met by our partner, it is common to react with painful feelings to this. We distinguish between the feeling associated with the unmet need (the primary feeling) and the feeling expressed as protection (the secondary feeling). If you want, you can read more about this here (opens new window). For example, experiencing your partner's withdrawal could lead to a feeling of loneliness (a primary feeling), while what is expressed is accusatory anger (a secondary feeling).

Below, you can identify what is your typical primary feeling and secondary feeling when these important needs remain unmet. Below the tables you will find typical things we show as secondary emotions. By doing this you will be able to fill in step 4 and 5 in the form "Our relationship pattern".

Typical responses to needs are not met:

Typical reactions I get when these needs are not met: Annoyance, aggression, withdrawal, angry, silent, accusatory, seeking others, working a lot, comfort eating, drinking alocohol, doing drugs, shame, embarrassment, anxiety/panic, faking happiness.

You can now fill in points 4 and 5 of the form "Our relationship pattern".

Now that you have identified patterns for each of you, you can move on to identifying how you react to each other. Patterns in couples are typically about us responding to each other's emotional expressions. For example: If you need a lot of praise but don't get it then you may feel that you are useless (primary feeling) in your partner's eyes, and you respond with irritation (secondary). Your partner will again have a reaction to this irritation that is about his or her needs. For example, if your partner is in need of closeness, then your irritation can evoke a feeling of loneliness in her. But instead of showing that she feels lonely, she may be accusing you. Those accusations may again have a negative effect on you. This is how you couples get into a negative spiral.

In this step you will identify your negative spiral. To do so, identify how you react to each other's secondary feelings. Also, use the information you have from the previous steps. Here you can either fill in the form "Our relationships pattern" or write down on a sheet, like this:

When partner A shows her secondary feeling that is ________________________,

then it affects Partner B's need for ___________________________.

Partner B then reacts with a secondary feeling that is ___________________________________.

When Partner B reacts with _______________________________________ (same as above),

then again, this affects partner A's need for ___________________________________,

and this makes partner A show a secondary feeling that is ________________________________.

Sometimes you need to work a little to find a negative spiral that you both agree on. This can sometimes lead to experiences of being accused, misunderstood and defined. To avoid this, try to take responsibility for your own feelings and reactions, and let the other person explore how he or she reacts to your emotional expressions. Try to be honest with yourself and your partner. If you do not get to the finish, leave it alone, look at it separately by yourself, and try again later when you both feel ready for it.

Many who find such a pattern may find it useful and good. It is as if the problem is more clearly identified and that it does not feel as if one of the partners is to blame. Remember that it is the pattern that is the problem, not the individual partner. Your task together ahead is to help each other break out of this spiral.