18 de agosto de 2018

Mi estilo de crianza y de interacción con mi hijo/a

My parenting style and interaction with my child

People change over time, and the way we are is always influenced by what is happening around us. At the same time, we also have some sides of us that are a little more stable and lasting. This can be referred to as traits, personality, temperament or character. When it comes to emotions we can say that everyone has a typical emotional style that is more or less stable. For example, you may be someone who does not express as much emotion or you may be someone who expresses a lot of emotion. You can explore your emotional style here.

When it comes to interaction between you and your child, there is a simplified model that can be useful for exploring your interactions. That's what we're going to help you explore here. This can be useful to understand your interactions in general, but also why it can be difficult to set boundaries. First, identify your emotional style and your child's emotional style. We then present some typical strengths and challenges associated with the interaction between these typical styles.

Below you will read about three different emotional styles we can have as a parent. Of course, they will vary from situation to situation, no one is always the same. Try to find the style you tend to lean towards, perhaps especially in tough situations.

The ostrich prefers to stick its head in the sand in the face of emotion. If you are an ostrich, you tend to pay little attention to emotion, neither in you or in your children. Rather than focusing on emotions, you are one who likes to solve practical problems and make sure things are done. When your children are experiencing difficult feelings, you try to find a solution to what has made it difficult, rather than focusing on the emotion itself. This means that you may put few words to the feelings you see in yourself and in your children. You may also get annoyed when emotions do not go away when you feel you have solved the problem. You are probably quite comfortable at setting boundaries, but may also become a bit rigid if the boundary setting does not lead to what you want. At your best, you keep your head cold and see the bigger picture in the situation.

The jellyfish is very soft and always adapts its shape to its surroundings. If you are a jellyfish, all emotions always get your attention. Emotions probably get a lot of space in your life, even when it's not always a good idea. You probably find that emotions are hard not to express, even when you really want to keep them for yourself. When your child experiences something difficult, you become stressed and try to make the child feel better, almost even before the child knows that it's feeling bad. You talk a lot about your own and children's feelings. You may be occupied with setting boundaries, but if your child has emotional reactions to your boundaries then you often tend to give in. You may occasionally intervene before your children find out about their own feelings and conflicts. The biggest challenge with this style is that your children are not given room or space to find out their own feelings. At your best, you are especially good at helping your children have the feelings they have.

No one is always a St. Bernard dog, but this is a style that typically is there when you feel good with yourself and others. You are safe and calm, and give help when needed. When you have this style, you stay calm if the kids experience something difficult. Rather than jumping up and doing something, you see the situation and identify the children's needs in the situation. You can set clear boundaries, but are also flexible in finding solutions if the boundaries create strong reactions. If you relate the most to this style, you probably have a good ability to adapt to situations that arise, but may lack a deeper understanding that others do not work that way. Before choosing this style, you might ask yourself what you typically become like when things get a bit tricky: ostrich or jellyfish? If you think you lean more to one of those options, it is recommended that you choose one of them.

If you have several children then it is recommended to work with one child at a time. If you have several children, you probably also have a slightly different interaction with each child.

Remember that this is not meant as absolute descriptions of your children. Children are also constantly evolving and their emotional style can and will change. Also, be open to the fact that the way you meet your child is affecting the child's expression.

Do you have a child who doesn't show that much emotion? Do you often need to dig deep to find out how he or she is doing? Then you have an ostrich child. Ostrich children often appear calm and thinking. They need you to be extra sensitive and notice when emotions arise. They need you in a respectful and safe way to help them put into words what is happening. The most important thing you can do for these kids is to help them pay attention to their feelings. Maybe they readily adapt to boundaries, but remember that they can do it without feeling understood. They may need more help than they express.

Do you have a child who carries all their feelings on their sleeve? Do you experience that small situations can lead to dramatic expressions? Then you might have a jellyfish kid. Jellyfish kids are often lively and interesting children. They need you to be calm when they are feeling a lot. It is also important to give the jellyfish an experience that their feelings do not bother you as a parent. The most important thing you can do for the jellyfish children is to help them cope with strong emotions in a calm way and get them to say what they need. They can react strongly to boundaries and parents may therefore be a little hesitant or afraid of setting boundaries for jellyfish children.

As with parents, there are no children who are always St. Bernard children. But if your child often has this style, you have a child who is quite calm but also shows how he or she is feeling inside. At the same time, your child is caring and good at setting aside his own needs for shorter periods. Like all others, the Saint Barnard kids need you to be available when they ask for it and to give them room to handle things on their own. They usually say what they need, but can also be a little too quick to set their own needs aside. Like all children, they need to be supported in understanding themselves and their needs. These kids usually tell when they disagree with boundaries, and at the same time they adhere if you are consistent.

If you are two ostriches then your interaction may be characterized by feelings not being so visible in your interaction. There is probably not that much high temperature between you, but it can still happen a lot below the surface. The biggest challenge is that when things get difficult, emotions and unmet needs are not put into words. For example, you may have brief quarrels, followed by not talking to each other or the focus being shifted. In the worst case, the child is left without help to deal with what is happening inside. With slightly older children, there may be a gap between you and your child, with your child losing trust in that it can get help and support when things get difficult.

TIP: See if you can use emotion coaching to start putting a few more words into what you think might happen under the surface of your child. If you find it difficult to understand your own feelings, then you can use other exercises on this page, such as focusing (what do I feel like now?) or exploring emotional memories. If you have decided to change something and want to signal this to the child, you can talk to the child about this, and maybe also apologize for not handling it well so far. Here you can read about how to say sorry in a good way.

If you are an ostrich parent and have a jellyfish child who has and shows a lot of emotions, then there is a chance that your child will be signaled that his or her feelings are not so important, or even incomprehensible. You may experience your child as being too irrational, and you may be anxious or annoyed by all the emotions. There is a risk that you set boundaries that are too rigid for a child with a lot of emotion. Jellyfish need a lot of help to understand their feelings, and this may be challenging for you. In the worst case scenario, your child feels criticized or shamed for having feelings, or the child gets too little help in having and dealing with his or her strong feelings.

TIP: See if you can use emotion coaching to start putting a few more words into what you think might happen under the surface of your child. If you find it difficult to understand your own feelings, then you can use other exercises on this page, such as focusing (what do I feel like now?) or exploring emotional memories. If you have decided to change something and want to signal this to the child, you can talk to the child about this, and maybe also apologize for not handling it well so far. Here you can read about how to say sorry in a good way.

If you are an ostrich parent and your child is a Saint Bernard child, then one can assume that your child has managed to adapt to you by not showing so much emotion. That doesn't mean that something is wrong, but it may still be more under the surface of your child than what you see. When setting boundairies, your child is likely to adhere to your boundaries, even if it does not understand why. In the worst case scenario, your child learns that emotions should not be displayed as much and can try to deal with their emotions to much on their own. At its best, your child is given the opportunity to choose when and where the emotions are expressed and then finds someone to talk to about emotions.

TIP: See if you can use emotion coaching to start putting a few more words into what you think might happen under the surface of your child. If you find it difficult to understand your own feelings, then you can use other exercises on this page, such as focusing (what do I feel like now?) or exploring emotional memories. If you have decided to change something and want to signal this to the child, you can talk to the child about this, and maybe also apologize for not handling it well so far. Here you can read about how to say sorry in a good way. This way, you show your child that it's okay to express emotion and also learn the child to take responsibility.

If you have several children then it is recommended to work with one child at a time. If you have several children, you probably also have a slightly different interaction with each child.

Remember that this is not meant as absolute descriptions of your children. Children are also constantly evolving and their emotional style can and will change. Also, be open to the fact that the way you meet your child is affecting the child's expression.

Do you have a child who doesn't show that much emotion? Do you often need to dig deep to find out how he or she is doing? Then you have an ostrich child. Ostrich children often appear calm and thinking. They need you to be extra sensitive and notice when emotions arise. They need you in a respectful and safe way to help them put into words what is happening. The most important thing you can do for these kids is to help them pay attention to their feelings. Maybe they readily adapt to boundaries, but remember that they can do it without feeling understood. They may need more help than they express.

Do you have a child who carries all their feelings on their sleeve? Do you experience that small situations can lead to dramatic expressions? Then you might have a jellyfish kid. Jellyfish kids are often lively and interesting children. They need you to be calm when they are feeling a lot. It is also important to give the jellyfish an experience that their feelings do not bother you as a parent. The most important thing you can do for the jellyfish children is to help them cope with strong emotions in a calm way and get them to say what they need. They can react strongly to boundaries and parents may therefore be a little hesitant or afraid of setting boundaries for jellyfish children.

As with parents, there are no children who are always St. Bernard children. But if your child often has this style, you have a child who is quite calm but also shows how he or she is feeling inside. At the same time, your child is caring and good at setting aside his own needs for shorter periods. Like all others, the Saint Barnard kids need you to be available when they ask for it and to give them room to handle things on their own. They usually say what they need, but can also be a little too quick to set their own needs aside. Like all children, they need to be supported in understanding themselves and their needs. These kids usually tell when they disagree with boundaries, and at the same time they adhere if you are consistent.

If you are someone who shows a lot of emotions and might struggle to hold back even when you really want to, then your ostrich child may find it a bit overwhelmin with so much emotion. Some children are more easily overwhelmed by, or afraid of, their parent's feelings, and you may want to be aware of this. Some jellyfish parents are a little unclear and inconsistent when setting boundaries. For example, setting boundaries varies from being very harsh to becoming fluid and pliable. For ostrich children, this can at worst lead them to learn to become a little too good at circumventing boundaries. In the worst case, the ostrich child can stick his head even further into the sand and use a lot of effort to protect himself from feelings he or she does not understand. At best, you teach your child that people are different and that emotions are not dangerous even when they are a little intense.

TIP: Your child needs help to see their own emotions, and will benefit from you being able to handle your own feelings well enough for you to explore your child's feelings. You may benefit from using other exercises on this page to deal with your own emotions (what do I need?), Also, you can practice helping your child with their emotions with emotion coaching.

With two jellyfish, it can sometimes be a little too much emotion that is not handled. This is not in itself bad, but at the very least requires that you as a parent are good at taking responsibility when the dust has settled. Strong feelings for children are difficult enough to handle on their own. In addition, if the child has to deal with the parents' strong feelings, they can become confused and afraid. At the same time, two jellyfish can at best understand each other and give each other acceptance for having strong feelings. Jellyfish parents can sometimes be pliable or inconsistent with border setting, which for jellyfish children can be confusing. You may want to ally with your partner about boundaries and try to agree on some important rules that are clear to the child. At its best, this combination contains a lot of warmth and life. At its worst, two jellyfish end up in a vicious circle where one's strong feelings make the other's strong feelings even more difficult to handle. If so, remember who is in charge and seek help and support!

TIP: If you feel like there is too much emotion in your relationship, try some of the other exercises on this page to deal with your own emotions (What do I need?) or practice on helping your child with emotions through emotion coaching. Be extra aware of the need to repair when things have gone wrong. You can practice this by reading about how to apologize.

If you are a parent who shows a lot of emotions and it may be difficult to decide for yourself what you should and should not show of emotions, then this can be a resource for a St. Bernard child. Your child will see that emotions are an important part of life. At the same time, St. Bernard children can sometimes adapt a little too much. When they have jellyfish parents, there is a possibility that they hold onto their own feelings because it is not felt as if there is space for their emotions. The most important thing you do is talk to your child about feelings and be a little extra careful that you actually understand what is going on inside your child. When it comes to setting boundaries, you may have a child who largely listens to what you are saying, but be aware that your child also needs to express dissatisfaction with the rules and boundaries. In the worst case scenario, your child may adjust too much to calm down your feelings. At best, your child develops a natural relationship with emotions that are slightly more powerful in their expression.

TIP: Although your child seems to be well-adjusted, it can be especially helpful to help your child understand their own feelings in dealing with your feelings. You can learn more about this through reading about emotion coaching. In addition, it is helpful if you take responsibility when your feelings take place, and if needed express this through an apology.

If you have several children then it is recommended to work with one child at a time. If you have several children, you probably also have a slightly different interaction with each child.

Remember that this is not meant as absolute descriptions of your children. Children are also constantly evolving and their emotional style can and will change. Also, be open to the fact that the way you meet your child is affecting the child's expression.

Do you have a child who doesn't show that much emotion? Do you often need to dig deep to find out how he or she is doing? Then you have an ostrich child. Ostrich children often appear calm and thinking. They need you to be extra sensitive and notice when emotions arise. They need you in a respectful and safe way to help them put into words what is happening. The most important thing you can do for these kids is to help them pay attention to their feelings. Maybe they readily adapt to boundaries but remember that they can do it without feeling understood. They may need more help than they express.

Do you have a child who carries all their feelings on their sleeve? Do you experience that small situations can lead to dramatic expressions? Then you might have a jellyfish kid. Jellyfish kids are often lively and interesting children. They need you to be calm when they are feeling a lot. It is also important to give the jellyfish an experience that their feelings do not bother you as a parent. The most important thing you can do for the jellyfish children is to help them cope with strong emotions in a calm way and get them to say what they need. They can react strongly to boundaries and parents may therefore be a little hesitant or afraid of setting boundaries for jellyfish children.

As with parents, there are no children who are always St. Bernard children. But if your child often has this style, you have a child who is quite calm but also shows how he or she is feeling inside. At the same time, your child is caring and good at setting aside his own needs for shorter periods. Like all others, the Saint Barnard kids need you to be available when they ask for it and to give them room to handle things on their own. They usually say what they need, but can also be a little too quick to set their own needs aside. Like all children, they need to be supported in understanding themselves and their needs. These kids usually tell when they disagree with boundaries, and at the same time they adhere if you are consistent.

If you are a parent who can show emotion but at the same time be able to hold back when you see it is in the best interest of the child, then you are already in a position to provide very good help to your ostrich child. Ostriches need extra help to become aware of emotions and to let the emotions inform their emotional needs. As a St. Bernard parent, you probably don't have much trouble setting boundaries for your child, but sometimes ostrich children can give in too much or they can learn to bypass boundaries. The best thing is if they learn to understand why rules are set so that they can follow such boundaries themselves. If you are a St. Bernard parent, you are in a position to help your ostrich child to accept who he or she is, while at the same time learning how not to put his or her head in the sand too much.

TIP: The best thing you can do for your child is to continue to rely on your parental intuition, be extra curious at the emotional life of your ostrich, and use emotion coaching.

If you are a parent who can show emotion but at the same time be able to hold back when you see it is in the best interest of the child, then you are already in a position to give very good help to your jellyfish child. Jellyfish need you to be calm when they feel a lot and they need you to show acceptance that they feel like they do. Both small and bigger jellyfish children feel better when they hear that what they feel is understandable. Jellyfish children can respond quite strongly to boundairy setting, so try to be a little creative in dealing your child, without setting unclear boundaries. Jellyfish childre need clear boundaries to make them safe.

TIP: Even if you are a St. Bernard parent, you can of course get desperate or frustrated when your child is feeling a lot. The best thing to do is take a few extra breaths, show yourself understanding of why you are reacting as you do, and then pay attention to the child's strong feelings. Emotion coaching can be a useful tool.

If you and your child both have an emotional life that is characterized by being clear but flexible, then you may not have many challenges in the interaction. Still, it can be helpful to ask yourself when it gets tricky, and whether you tend to go in the direction of being an ostrich or a jellyfish. If you think you know, then you can start over and read more about the challenges that typically arise.

TIP: You can read about what characterizes good setting boundairies. In addition, there may be other exercises on this site that are useful for you. For example, try pressing "What do I need?". Otherwise, you can only rely on your parental intuition, which is probably quite reliable.

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